I’m not writing this for sympathy or pity, it’s just me realizing my normal. This is the vexatious reality of being myself and who we are. If you have found a good person as your partner, count your blessings as you are lucky, many of us will never have that opportunity ever again. Especially those of us who have transitioned to female.
Realizing that since starting therapy on a regular basis that my love life has no future. I have realized that now I’m considering myself as a monogamous trans female. I’m ignored, pushed aside, ghosted and alone. During a texting conversation with a trans male friend of mine, he said that finding a true partner is a matter of luck. I honestly believe that no truer words were ever said.
I’ve always known that I am worthy as a human being, although there are some that think that I an abomination and I am not worthy of breathing air. I ran into the bigotry of society insisting I’m not worthy, not worthy of being with someone that could give me the joys and love that I see between two people in restaurants, shopping malls, movie theaters and TV. All of this because I am a transgender female.
Most of the time all I get from my ads online are from perverts and transgender chasers. My last date was with somebody that flew in under my radar and seemed like a worthy possibility as a partner. He was respectful and kind, but then he started asking me questions about my transitional surgeries. What surgeries I had left and what my medication regiment was like. No matter how hard I try or how friendly I am to people and how hard I work… none of it matters because I’m transgender.
I need to get used to nights alone, no one to intimately connect with, and going out to eat with. No romantic nights watching stars, no holding hands walking on asphalt trails, no excitement and intestinal butterflies when you see that special someone.
Sometimes it takes everything I’ve got to not break down in a restaurant as I am alone. I look around and see all the couples in the place knowing that there is no chance of finding someone to share my special intimacy with, all because I’m transgender. It’s valentine’s, another equally isolated time that I had better get used to enjoying alone. I dream of nights cuddled up on the couch, close and under the blankets with that special person, drinking hot coco in front of a raging fire. Talking about those intimate things that only lovers talk about. But once again, I need to get used to being alone for the same reason, of course.
Feature image by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash
Beautifully written! You’ve captured your reality very well. I can totally relate because it’s mine too. The difference between us is that I gave up the idea of having a relationship a few years ago. I’ve learned to be by myself and have come to enjoy the freedom of it. Yes, I get lonely. Yes I miss romance, intimacy and companionship. I used to detest sleeping alone but have gotten used to it.
I have had phases of my life where I kinda went a little crazy and had anonymous/casual sex. But it was hollow emotionally and left me more lonely.
I’ve given up on finding a man my age who will accept me. I’m bi, but haven’t found a lesbian who could see me as a “real” woman.
I dated two trans women years ago. One was pre op and was consumed by the frustration and embarrassment of being so. She was so focused on getting surgery that that was all she could talk about. She had so much anger and anguish. No fun to be around. The other woman was very pretty but was a hoarder and had sooooo many other issues.
So yeah, I can relate. It sucks. It’s sad I had to give up but that’s how I’ve made my relative peace with being trans and old in Oklahoma. I hope you will find an avenue to some sort of peace that works for you.
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