I’m not writing this for sympathy or pity, it’s just me realizing my normal. This is the vexatious reality of being myself and who we are. If you have found a good person as your partner, count your blessings as you are lucky, many of us will never have that opportunity ever again. Especially those of us who have transitioned to female.
Realizing that since starting therapy on a regular basis that my love life has no future. I have realized that now I’m considering myself as a monogamous trans female. I’m ignored, pushed aside, ghosted and alone. During a texting conversation with a trans male friend of mine, he said that finding a true partner is a matter of luck. I honestly believe that no truer words were ever said.
I’ve always known that I am worthy as a human being, although there are some that think that I an abomination and I am not worthy of breathing air. I ran into the bigotry of society insisting I’m not worthy, not worthy of being with someone that could give me the joys and love that I see between two people in restaurants, shopping malls, movie theaters and TV. All of this because I am a transgender female.
Most of the time all I get from my ads online are from perverts and transgender chasers. My last date was with somebody that flew in under my radar and seemed like a worthy possibility as a partner. He was respectful and kind, but then he started asking me questions about my transitional surgeries. What surgeries I had left and what my medication regiment was like. No matter how hard I try or how friendly I am to people and how hard I work… none of it matters because I’m transgender.
I need to get used to nights alone, no one to intimately connect with, and going out to eat with. No romantic nights watching stars, no holding hands walking on asphalt trails, no excitement and intestinal butterflies when you see that special someone.
Sometimes it takes everything I’ve got to not break down in a restaurant as I am alone. I look around and see all the couples in the place knowing that there is no chance of finding someone to share my special intimacy with, all because I’m transgender. It’s valentine’s, another equally isolated time that I had better get used to enjoying alone. I dream of nights cuddled up on the couch, close and under the blankets with that special person, drinking hot coco in front of a raging fire. Talking about those intimate things that only lovers talk about. But once again, I need to get used to being alone for the same reason, of course.